I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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