god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
