You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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