life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
