drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
