I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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