I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
