We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
