I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
