never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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