I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
