Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We are two peas in an std pod
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
