There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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