This is not my ceiling
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
