I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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