If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My penis needs a shock collar
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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