my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
