he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
