a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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