I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
