It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
