Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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