At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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