just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Boobs speak an international language.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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