Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize