went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
