he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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