Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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