Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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