one two three fourrrrnication!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
