happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
