I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
