Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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