It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
