i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
