I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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