if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
