sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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