Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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