i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
