Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize