My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
