He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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