I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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