I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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