took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
