There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
