i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
