id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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