u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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