My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
