I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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