Jerry, you need to find god
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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