So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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