bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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