I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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