The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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