tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
