if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
