I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
