Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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